Tag Archives: Comedy

It’s all the way live.

I can see more of the dudes than the chicks. :|

This week I had an audition at “The Comic Strip Live” in hopes of getting passed. Getting passed means you’re invited to come to the club during the week and try out material on later shows. It’s a great way to work out your material and build a relationship with the club and comics who frequent there.

Normally, building a relationship in general gets you the opportunity to get passed, however in this case there was a drawing, you got a date to come and perform for the owner, and you would do so as it came. This is a big deal. This is performing for someone who’s entire livelihood is Comedy; this is how he makes money to provide.

I passed. Richie had nothing but positive, nice things to say about me. It was a really great opportunity, and I was fortunate enough to have gotten it. Naturally I was asked how long I have been doing it which is a little over 3 years now. These auditions usually take place after a lot of hard work, dedication, sacrifice, and performing to hone your skill.

The thing is though…

I’d gotten up twice in 2015 before this audition. Yet every comic will tell you, “you’ve gotta perform, perform some more, perform to get good before you can accomplish things” and I just showed that someone doesn’t have to do it that way. I’m not saying by any means that getting up as much as you can isn’t a way of doing things, simply that there are alternate ways to do it. There’s a bunch of ways to the top.

This is more a note against people I’ve said this to and they scoff, writing off that focusing on a brand and networking is important at this stage of the game, which is what I try to accomplish over performing. The lovely part in all of this is that even with their negative disposition and disregard of my opinion and respect of my hustle, is that at least we’re all following our dreams.

Men gon’ train her…

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A lot of unnecessary outrage over Meghan Trainor’s new video, “Dear Future Husband”. Everyone seems to think it’s a song promoting being a housewife and being subordinate to your man. It almost seems as if no one listened to the words, specifically the part where she says, “You’ve got a 9-5, but so do I. So don’t be thinkin’ I’ll be home baking apple pies.” If anything, a lot of the lyrics are a message to treat your Woman right and make her happy.

However, what I ask is, what if a Woman just wants to be a housewife? What if she’s perfectly fine staying home, cooking, cleaning and taking care of the kids? Does this make her a bad Woman? If you ask anyone behind a Women’s Lib movement, the answer is a resounding yes. To suggest every female in the United States must be working, making equal pay and out of the house or else she’s a slave (I can only make this assumption seeing as how you’re battling for “liberation”) is an oppression of a Woman’s choice.

What about unemployed Fathers who do the same? Shouldn’t a huge motive of the movement be to ensure that every Woman has the right to choose what makes her happy? The point seems to focus less on getting every Woman equal status, and more on making sure every Woman WANTS equal status. The shaming of these Women almost makes the core values of the movement seem unproductive.

Possibly there are just some bad apples, as always seems to be the case, and other’s support and approve of the life choices, I just haven’t seen many. If you’re a housewife and you enjoy it, do you. If you’re a housewife and you don’t, find a chick with Birkenstocks and hairy legs and find out what you can do to change that.

And to all those who oppose a Woman’s right to choose how she spends her day, I really wish you had died of Toxic Shock Syndrome.

That Man in the Mirror…

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I don’t know what it is about my buddy Chris’ bathroom mirror, but I look really good in it. Whether it be the lighting and the angle of shadows, or perhaps the glass was tempered differently, I look 11% more attractive in his mirror. At times, I think about setting up my dates for his bathroom in some weird, abstract way but I feel that really limits my pool of choices to Yoko Ono artsy types, and we all know what happens after you meet a Yoko Ono artsy type. You lose are your friends, you start dressing differently, you get shot, it’s no good!

Then I get into thought about it. I’m the same person outside of that mirror as I am in it so why do I feel this way? I feel pressured to look better at any given time than I already do when I’m trying my best and that’s not a good feeling. I’m almost 30 years old and I still haven’t figured out that it really doesn’t matter all that much. Being caught up in someone’s opinion of me only hinders me from progress as a person. Sure, they’re are plenty of day-to-day activities you may have to alter who you are to get by, work or what have you, but on my own time, during my own bathroom regiment, why should I stop to take time to compare Chris’ Bathroom mirror to mine? Something so trivial. What else am I doing this with in life?

Just live and along the way cool shit will happen to you. Spend it stuck on the minor details and you may miss the big picture. Everyone sort of goes through puberty twice. Once your body changes, and then later on your mind changes. You spend some years getting comfortable with the person you are growing into and then you be that person. Age differs for most, as is apparent here, but as long as you embrace the change, love who you are, and continue forward, that’s all you can really hope for. You will see the change in yourself, whether in your mirror or a stranger’s.

Jerking off to Nicki Minaj

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I gave in. That Anaconda video is just too damn dope. I’ve always found her beautiful, but now that she has decided to go with more of a natural look, there is just no denying that Ms. Onika Minja is a true beauty. Do I think some of her assets are fake? Sure, but by that logic I shouldn’t eat Kraft Singles and I’m not giving those up anytime soon. So far you can see the gratification derived from sexual imagery and food that makes up my pleasure center.

I did it with Cocoa Butter as opposed to Jergens. Seemed appropriate.

There’s a rumor that she hooked up with Zac Efron. I like to think I’m the real world Zac Efron, in the sense that I’m charming, witty, talented but I just have the body type of a wet bag of laundry. Deep down, I feel eventually Zac Efron will give up and find himself jerking off to Nicki Minaj, late night, six pack abs having given way to a cookie dough factory of a stomach and a really mangy beard that would get him through the harshest of Minnesota winters.

I’m pretty sure this is what my ancestors died for in the Civil War. The right for me to jerk off to Nicki Minaj. Actually I’m pretty sure my ancestors came over on a boat long after slavery with their stupid, Irish dirt faces gnawing on potatoes and picking lice out of their stupid, Irish red-beards but it’s sounds cooler to say they fought for the North rather than that scenario, or the adverse, giving Nicki Minaj’s great-greats 40 lashes.

In the great words of the hip hop group Dead Prez — “fuck welfare, we say reparations.” Hopefully one day someone owns up to the travesties and supplies 40 acres and a mule for those effected by such a dark time in American history. We undoubtedly have enough acres, I think the problem is coming up with 41,096,749 mules for the estimated African American population.

Anyways, Nick Minaj could get it.

Karma Physics

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Does Karma really exist?

In my opinion, no. I think Karma can appear to be a force in nature, but really I think it’s more of a term designed to describe exactly what you’re doing to keep your life going a certain way. They say the only change comes from within, and I can’t help but think that’s exactly what supports the idea of Karma. If a thief hangs out with thieves, more than likely he will experience a theft. A liar whom hangs out with liars is going to be told a lie.

“Well Kenny, I may have cheated on past partners but I was completely faithful to my significant other in this case and they still cheated on me.”

Then you need to ask yourself, did you take the proper time to heal and make the changes necessary to not hang in the same company? Too often people rush into rebounds, or don’t allow enough time to truly get healthy, both emotionally and mentally. Chances are, unbeknownst to you, that you were attracted to this person based on qualities you yourself harbor. Not necessarily good ones either. You were blind to it at no fault of your own. Now you’re at a crossroad on whether to complete a transformation as a person, or to become jaded and resort back to your old ways but I think we all know that we get you nowhere.

Once a cheater, always a cheater isn’t the case. A cheater who does not heal what ails them, yes. A cheater who takes the time to reflect, address the wounds and begins to sew the sutures has all the chance in the World to find true, lasting love. However, if that person rushes into a new relationship, or seeks out someone as unhealthy as they are in a relationship, they are destined to experience the pain again.

You are your Karma.

The Foundation

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My roommate pointed out we have an awful lot of plastic bags in our pantry. This is undoubtedly a result of going to Walgreens or Rite Aid several times a week for various things, as it’s closest to my apartment. I don’t know why I say things, it’s always just pasta, ice cream, and Utz Hot Curls. 99 cents, they’re dope.

She was nice enough to have given me a tote bag to use. As the hunger hit for da hot curlz, I decided to pick up the usual various things, along with Q-tips and a Diet Pepsi. I became a weirdo at this point because I didn’t grab a basket thinking I’d be able to handle all I was originally purchasing, and I refused to use the tote out of a socially awkward disposition against anyone possibly thinking I’m thinking about stealing, which is more rooted in the fact I just care in general what people think of me too much.

So finally I tapped and decided to go get some help. I put everything down by the Q-tips, got a basket, went back and proceeded to gather up things left. Peter was on tonight, who’s a cool kid. Not as cool as Michael from Rite Aid, but ill in his own regard none-the-less. We had a chat, I paid, and was on my way back.

Upon putting things away, I realized my Diet Pepsi was missing. Did Peter mess up or did I forget to grab it? Peter was my initial thought. I said to myself, “Myself.. Peter wouldn’t do that, man. You know this. You’ve built such a foundation of trust and general camaraderie that the astronomical odds of that far surpass being struck by lighting-Pete wouldn’t do that to ya!”

I wanted to believe it but I wanted to buy that Diet Pepsi so bad, there’s no way I had forgotten it. Peter had forsaken me.


Left it next to the Q-tips. Bought that one and another.
2/$3, not bad.

…now how do I come clean to Peter about this?

Today, the Terrorists Won

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These two, huh?

Today, just about every theater in America decided against screening the upcoming Comedy “The Interview”. A violation of free speech? Perhaps. A grim look at the future? Maybe. Completely and totally a dick move on the part of North Korea. WITHOUT A DOUBT.

I’m not here to argue or nitpick about the first amendment and whose right it is to do what. No, instead, I am here to mourn the end of a terrific streak. Far mightier than Cal Ripken’s consecutive start record. Way cooler than the Undertaker. I’m talking about the streak of movies I’ve had my butt in the seat for which starred Seth Rogen.

Not a single one has let me down!

And yet, now it is broken. It will lay in the annals of time as one of the most historic days of our lives: the day the beautiful, wonderful, Semitic Superhero known as Seth Rogen was stripped of his title as “Comedy King”.

I even loved “The Green Hornet”. Can you believe it? “The Green Hornet”. Saw it twice.

Now one may argue that this is a bad look for America, and to that I say “nevermind!” There is a bigger issue at hand here. These Freaks and Geeks over at North Korea have taken this thing too far. Blow up a school, nuke a nursing home for Christ’s sake. But why attack Seth? For what? For trying to make us laugh?

It’s wrong, North Korea. It’s wrong. However, I will thank you for this. You have now given us a valid reason for pirating. We’re still going to see this movie, North Korea. We stand, hands across America, our fingers to our mouses ready to eat up those GBs, son. We will not go quietly into the night. Instead, we will march valiantly to our rooms, dens, and man-caves.

We will download. We will see a depiction of your leader fall on 13″-17″ monitors everywhere. Some people will even have two screens. You can take our popcorn, but you can never have.. OUR BANDWIDTH!

South Korea is where it’s at anyway, honestly,